Economic Bilingualism

Don't let the big words fool you. I've been reflecting on a conversation my father and I had last night about the big bad bailout, as well as an forwarded email I received about someone's proposal to "bail" out Americans instead of bailing AIG. In light of this, here's the email I received, along with my "colorful" commentary using some points that my father and I discussed. Do enjoy.

Hi Pals, (Dude. I don't even know you.)

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend. (Wouldn't we all want a slice of that fat pie? No surprise there.)

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. (Actually, sir, a nice little tool called Wikipedia states that as of the 2000 census, the US population is 281,421,906. You need to be precise if you're going to present legislation to Congress. You're a bit off your assumption. What's 20 million people, anyhow?) So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up. (Again, Wikipedia states that estimates of minors in this country is actually 25%. You sliced off about 33% from your initial estimate. So, let's look at the numbers my way: 25% of the 2000 census population is 211,066,430 [rounded up].) So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00. (Divide 211,066,430 million adults - you don't need to say "18+" if you are saying "adult", that's redundant - into $85 billion, and that equals... wait. $402. Dude. You just used 85,000,000,000,000 - aka, 85 trillion - in your proposal. Doesn't sound so sweet now, does it?)

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend. (With what money? Your inaccurate calculation, which I so kindly fixed for you to reflect the actual amount of $425, won't pay my car bill and a student loan on any given month.)

Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%. (Yes, please do.) Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. (Um. Actually, if it were $425, they'd be paying 127.50; for $402, it would be 120.60.) That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam. (Whoops - actually sends only 25,500,000,000. Wait. Now this calculation is right. But that's because you used my correct calculation. Three zeroes is a big deal in Congress, all right?) But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. (Actually, now they would have $297.50 [your number] or $281.40 [my number].)

A husband and wife has $595,000.00. ($595 or $562.80.)

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family? (Not much, since there's no way I'm getting that much. But we'll play nice in the sandbox with our fellow citizen and wish upon a star that we got more than chump change to pay one of our several credit cards.)

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved. (Nope. Your credit history is still wrecked and no one will give you a loan to cover the down payment on your new mansion, which us Americans love.)

Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads (Maybe. But then again, they lose 10 years of their life that they could be using to build up their credit so a bank can trust them with a mortgage.)

Put away money for college - it'll be there (Let's face it. Not everyone will do this one. People like stuff. People like bling.)

Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs. (Whoa there, nelly. There are better ways than to depend on a stinking bank - which, incidentally, many are now owned BY THE GOVERNMENT - than to trust the FDIC-insured institution. Diversified investments come to mind.)

Buy a new car - create jobs (Create jobs? How about starting a company instead of pumping more debt into our economy? Trust me, by the time folks buy a car, they'll have two houses and a boat to show off, too. How about tax incentives to green companies, for folks building alternative energy, and policing white collar crime better so that CEOs will grow a company for the betterment of the country instead of their retirement funds?)

Invest in the market - capital drives growth (A bit of a better suggestion.)

Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves (My parents' health care insurance? How the hell does that improve health care? Improving health care is about educating our fat, lazy population to exercise and cut the calorie intake. That is the only thing that will make insurance more affordable, when we start to PREVENT instead of REACT.)

Enable Deadbeat Dad s to come clean - or else (This sounds like a pretty personal statement to me. Out of left field. From someone with a vendetta.)

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces. (I understand that completely. No Adult Left Behind. Nice and catchy. Folks will love the allusion.)

If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed
by one of our candidates for President. (Wow! 1K for every adult! That's more than we calculated up above - the US government pulls through for us again!)

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+! (Do tell, senor.)

As for AIG - liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up. (Stop. Stop. Stop. Do you understand how many Americans would be severely, irreversibly damaged by this? Maybe AIG shouldn't have gotten into real estate, but that doesn't mean you can break up a company where millions of Americans have an insurance stake in it. There has to be a better way to convert the real estate back into a viable insurance policy for those who put so much money into it. THINK, MAN!)

Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't. Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.' But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party! How do you spell Economic Boom? I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion. (Coast-to-Coast block party? What about paying off debt and school loans? And you trust adults to know how to use that money? Please. Someone might do some good, and another idiot down the street will be hiding the money to get more off of welfare. While it's a free market and we can spend as we please, the problem lies not only with our government, but in our own wallets. We also got ourselves into this mess, and it'll plummet faster than you can say 'AIG Sucks Eggs.')

We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC. (Maybe we do. But then again, do I feel like being handicapped by the US Government to not be able to make my own living? No. I don't need my government to bail my ass out. I need them to protect me from nuclear weapons and terrorists. I need them to let me have a place to call home. I need them to persecute the guilty and save the innocent, put out fires, keep our streets safe, and gladly pay my share of taxes for these benefits. Harsh, but true. And do the folks at AIG and DC deserve that money? Only if they use it for the greater public good. Not for selfish purposes. Kapish?)

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam. (So you revealed your full name in this viral email. You're a brave man, Mr. Birk. I think mine is more likely to be passed in Congress. How does the LaDow Plan sound to you? Sounds kind of catchy.)

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,

Birk

T. J . Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic (It's my blog and I get the last word. Invest in a calculator and let me know when The Birk Plan revision will be ready to present to Congress.)